#i can't do this continuously i'm stressed

[softerwider]

Response: I need help. I have to think deeply and I do not know anybody who will help me. It is uncomfortable to think, and especially so when one must make oneself vulnerable to do so. But here it is: I'm trying to be vulnerable and explain myself clearly; writing my thoughts. I'm reposting this here because it gave me hope. It gave me pause. It spoke to me deeply. It is kinky--but it really carried a level of introspection about the nexus of kink and shame and power and disgust and pain and pleasure and arousal. Paperfeedee laid a finger on how these all share in a close connection to one another. Her post describes perfectly the insane network of social signifying practices and intuitions that I have, and that I always imagine other people have. Not everybody as I am. I mean to say that this post of hers was, is, and shall continue to be enlightening. I have been a part of the feedist kink scene since some time in the early 2000's. Scary to think of myself wandering all over the internet like that. But anyway, even so, all this never once thought that I have internalized fat phobia. And, just like is described in Paperfeedee's post, there are elements of my kink that I am now realizing that I might have to disentangle from that fearful place. I caught a glimpse of what that might be like. There's a complex story about why my kink is closely tied to fat phobia, and maybe I'll get to speak it someday, but I have always wanted to gain weight. I've always considered myself a feeder switch, but I've had some v e r y intense sex dreams about being fed and fattened--none have been about feeding others. And yet, for as much as I enjoy overeating, indulging in fattening foods, and the idea becoming fatter and fatter, I've never been able to do so. I've blamed my bad (very efficient) metabolism; I've blamed my inability to buy enormous quantities of fast food on the regular; I've blamed my partner for being unwilling to be my feeder. I never looked to myself. Each of these things (enjoy overeating; love fattening food; want to be fat) is also tied in significant ways to formative, stressful, and traumatic times in my life. I won't get into them now. Suffice it to say that each thing, for as desirable as it is, is also overloaded with shame, discomfort, and is incredibly connected to my libido. Here is the nitty-gritty. I do not want to demonize anybody, least of all myself, for having the particular flavor of fetish that they do. I think that shame, discomfort, and arbitrary over-significance play crucial roles in the way that I experience sexual pleasure. Fear and helplessness is singed onto the texture of my jouissance. But what I think is most salient about Paperfeedee's post here is that it makes the case for the way that identification in phobia is sustained by the fascination it makes of the object of its fear. Identification is a process whereby a relationship between more than one thing and itself is defined, sustained, and elaborated. So, when I see someone in the store buying groceries and I notice how fat they are, that they have a lot of junk food, and my mind goes racing as it is wont to do about what an unrepentant glutton this person must be (etc.), I have participated in the process of identification. Phobia is a kind of identification that places the thing that is desirable at as far a distance from the self as possible. This distant relationship is a relationship nonetheless. The "Subconscious Hint" that Paperfeedee mentions here indicates precisely the way that this distance is a relationship, and one of the most intimate kind. My most intense sex dreams (or maybe just all my sex dreams) are about getting fat. Yet I'm afraid of what people will think if I get fat; frustrated that I can't do it; worried for the consequences; don't have the right body for it; etc. SO I think that I have been afraid of getting fat. I have neglected to examine the ways that my interest in feedism and fat fetishism have sustained these fears. I have never looked at the way that these fears could sustain the fetish.

I think that I have gleaned something about how the 'subconscious hint' leads to the inversion of the phobic dynamic in my personal case. I PROMISE that I will be thinking about this post for a very long time to come. I'm sorry if you are already tired of hearing me go on and on about this shit, because I am going to be on this for...ever? But to come back to the main point of this thread: I need help. I would like to use what I've learned here in order to examine the way that I sabotage my weight gain. I may try to gain weight, I may just allow myself to identify with the fear-object in a way that is emancipatory and also erases the fear from the relation. I can let someone else be afraid of my fat ass! I can hear that shitty fat-phobic comment that someone makes about how much I am eating and feel butterflies or go find a room and jerk off about it. I have become that which I rejected. I have embraced the part of myself that I shunned. I do not want to use my fetish as an excuse to sustain fat phobia. The point is that I will need help in thinking about this. (And also maybe tell me I'm looking fatter.) Thank you, and have a good night.

back when I was still thin and had yet to discover the whole "really into making myself unrecognizably fat" fetish, I still had like, a preoccupation with fat people that usually alternated between being super judgemental and being terrified that I'd get fat, which was like, definitely some kind of subconscious hint at like, man, I'm going to find out something crazy in a couple of years, but anyway

I distinctly remember grocery shopping with one of my friends in college, and seeing a woman who was pretty fat buying like, little debbie cakes and whatnot and just like, could not stop talking about it to my friend, could not let go of it, could not stop harping on "how does a person let themselves get that fat? how can you be that fat and not be trying to lose weight? how are you not embarrassed to be that fat and be seen buying those?" Even my friend had to ask like, what is your damage with this random woman?

anyway, obviously that wasn't cool of me and I've clearly gone on my own ✨️journey✨️ with confronting internalized fatphobia since then, but like knowing now that I have fully become that woman in the grocery store is like, part self actualization, probably part karmic retribution, and all like, getting to live a peak horny fantasy for me now, and I'm so here for it

(especially since my favorite grocery store is right next door to this really big, really nice gym, so it's just me and all the Lululemon wearin ass pilates baddies at the grocery store together)

[elkian]

More about GGG's finale and core plot (that is, BIG SPOILERS BELOW)

One recurring trend is loneliness. King's actions help connect people, and our protagonist continues in her footsteps, but the loneliness of the characters who play antagonists is especially notable.

The God Awards (which I've mentioned before, the whimsy of them made me totally blip over the red flags and implications) mention Inspekta doing everything for them. What would they be without him, Capochin asks?

"Lonely!"

Inspekta gathered the lonely hearts together. Gave them purpose. Gave them a charismatic leader to follow.

Saul is one of the most antagonistic non-Bizzy humans, and a recurring refrain in Milldread is how lonely everyone is. How gatherings are now somehow either discouraged or outright illegal (hmm, wonder whose idea that was). In fact, most of the Milldread citizens only have good or at least compassionate things to say about him.

(Sometimes I feel like the antagonists are shown a little much compassion given the way this plot goes, but it is also important to remember that deprogramming cultists etc. is based around showing compassion and reminding them that the world is not innately hostile to them. And there's only so much a single game can say in the span of a few hours, so, like, I get it.)

In fact, you have to insult Saul twice to progress in Milldread. How do you do this?

One, you get a dog to make a dog noise, and Saul loses it and comes over to harass the dog (and fail).

Two, after this point, he'll say that he "hates that shaggy little man". This is the line you need to give Budd to progress. When he asks for an insult levied at Saul, you can travel the town... and find that everyone has good things to say about him. He's misled, he's actually very sweet, his friends miss him.

It's very telling that the only way to effectively insult Saul to Budd is to use his own words to do it. Even writing this, I realize that this also implies a bit of a persecution complex with Saul - the people around him don't hate him, or even think he's particularly incompetent. They're worried about him. They understand that he's stressed. He was lead astray by a bad element but he snaps out of it (with help) in time to rejoin his community.

And speaking of throwing words back in faces...

Capochin shows a pretty regular skill for recognizing voices when you fling words at him - it's funny, because a lot of people in this game don't, so he's an outlier and that's amusing. In the battle against him, it means you have to work around him - you can't use his own words against him directly.

Instead, you put words in "Inspekta"'s mouth and bring that to Capo.

He shows an awareness, to a level, that this isn't really Inspekta talking. But this realization is a long time coming, and he can't repress it anymore. He can't deny reality when it's thrown in his face, when he's all alone, when nobody wants to work with him anymore. When even his god is only using him, spending more time with the Godpoke, leading him astray.

The Bizzyboys (and Hector; Yugo Limbo said that all of them come from Drain, hence them looking alike(?) ) evoke a very specific type of person, to me: the incel. Or at least, something adjacent. They're all referred to as "he" as Bizzys (I'm of a mind that Bizzyboys are all he/him while Bizzy, as, like, an honorary gender, mostly because it's just a silly idea; though in retrospect it also meshes with the enforced similarity situation). They're all lonely. They've banded together under a mutual purpose, but they don't really support each other.

And when they start to, between Hobbyhoo and BuzzHuzz? When they begin to collaborate, talk about taking a break from all this fash shit "investigating"?

Capochin shuts them down. Hard.

And Patty says he's scared of Capochin, but the other Bizzies say he would never hurt any of them. But when Capochin blows his top, all of them get really timid.

Capochin not getting involved in the violence until there's literally no one else to hide behind is so cliche that it almost just seems like a joke, until I took in the rest of the story.

Playing this game makes me think a lot of Fallout: New Vegas, a game where you can also destroy fascism and avert a cataclysm as a vaquero-themed courier.

One thing that becomes achingly clear in FNV is how the Legion is a cult of personality: it's not just the Legion, it's Caesar's Legion. Legate Lanius is terrifying, yes, but nobody talks about him as a leader so much as a warrior. Once Caesar dies, it seems obvious to me that the entire thing is going to crumple like a house of cards. Caesar didn't leave any backup plans, any true heirs, because the whole thing was his vanity project. There's no point to the Legion without Caesar, and he never once considered that there should be.

Inspekta and the Bizzyboys work very similarly. The whimsy and goofiness of the setting, which we also see in Smile For Me, lead me to miss some major red flags (I am also just. very dense.), which is a known problem in real fascism - the use of cutesy facades to cast absurdity on any claims of propaganda.

Anyways. My point is that the Bizzyboys seem at first to be a group, but are really more underlings in a cult of personality. Everything falls apart when faith in the system - in Capochin, in Inspekta - is lost. And Capochin is the Joshua Graham to Inspekta's Caesar; both of them culpable, both of them seeming in charge, with Capochin primed to take the fall as soon as things go wrong. But he volunteered for that! He wanted to be Inspekta's #1! The right-hand chump! The prime goon! He's getting everything he ever worked for, so don't question the system, Capo, because that's the same as doubting Inspekta. And doubting Inspekta means you're not a good Bizzyboy. Means you're ungrateful. Means that maybe what you have should go to someone who'll appreciate it.

They literally have their names stripped away - and I think the constant belittling and name-withholding of Patty, who genuinely displays real competence and intelligence at points if you pay attention, is a deliberate ploy. You don't want to be like P. You don't want to be a failure. Look at you, earning your letters! You almost have a full name! Not like that loser at the bottom of the barrel. You're a real winner, here.

And you, P? You need to try harder. Look how Alexei has his whole name back for doing hardly anything! How can you fail to get even a single letter back, compared to him? When Patty asks for his name back in Milldread, Capochin mentions solving mysteries - mysteries of "what does Capochin want for lunch", etc. It's silly, but it's also sinister. It's the most overtly self-centered bit of Bizzy lore we get for maybe the whole game. Capochin outright says he comes first and we laugh because of the delivery.

(The videos are fantastic, because they really set up the reveal in a lot of both subtle and unsubtle ways. Even the very first video, where Capochin insults Patty for asking a scripted question, before moving into the answer, is foreshadowing for the constant emotional abuse all of the Bizzys and Patty in particular are subjected to. There's probably much more I'm forgetting.)

Under the whimsy and humor of the game is a very real statement about cults and fascism and the kinds of people they recruit, and how they do it. They amplify the concerns of the disenfranchised and alone, people who have difficulty connecting with a community. They give those people somewhere to belong, ideals to uphold, and targets to gang up on.

Anyways. Good game.

[daswithoucri]

This is in response to @theinvisibledavis talking about (misogynistic) people attacking Kat, because they don't like Earth (as well as other female characters), and how they think that "the writing of the shows are bad"

Let me start with this: Before TSAMS and LAES, I haven't watched anything in a long time. Because personally, I am not a big fan of TV series, nor do I watch a lot of movies. But these shows and their characters have captured me. I have watched every single sams video this year, during a time span of about half a year (And let me tell you, my mental health was down the drain earlier this year. A day, where I could watch 12 videos in a row, felt just amazing to me. I am now in a much better and stable state. And TSBS has always been there along the way, as a means of comfort.) .

Now I am doing the same with LAES, and I am not any less interested in it. Their videos make me laugh my guts out, make me bawl my eyes out, or simply just let me relax and calm down after a long day at work. And it's all for free! With practically an unlimited amount of content! I, for a fact, know that I am not gonna run out of new videos to watch anytime soon. They upload daily after all! I am 100% sure, that I have still about 2 years worth left to watch. And with the continues uploads, it's probably more like 4 or even 5 years. And it's all just at the grasp of our hands! All of it!

I can't imagine how much blood, sweat and tears the actors must have put into their channels. This takes so much dedication, we can't even imagine the stress they must and have been going through, to make these shows and this fandom a reality! So we all must be grateful for their hard work. What is a few minutes of entertainment for us, is hours of work for them. We need to be thankful and show our support. It's the least that we can do.

So thank you Kat, Davis, Reed, Matt and all the other VAs of other shows that I haven't gotten to know yet. Thank you for your dedication to my and many other people's favourite shows. ❤

And @queenkatluv, if you ever read this: I hope you are okay and that your mental health hasn't taken too much of a blow from all the unnecessary hate, or that you will quickly recover from it. It must be difficult, but try to not take their mean words to heart. I don't have to listen to what they say, nor will I ever, because I know from the beginning on, that what they say is simply not fact. I don't really interact with the fandom, but they gotta be just the vocal minority. I'm sure the majority loves you and Earth.

You are amazing! Your acting is amazing! Your characters are amazing! Your writing is amazing! You deserve to rest well and take it easy. Eat your favorite meal as much as you wish. Have a nice bubble bath, or take a walk in nature if you prefer. Or both! Spend time with those that do you good. You deserve it all times infinity, because you are simply just amazing.

Earth is always so kind, helpful and empathetic towards others. What would she say to you? I'm sure you'll know, because you know her the best.

(Oh an by the way, the quality of The Vampire's Bride is chef's kiss to me. It's like a TV show, but the good kind.)

[ventique18]

Book 7, Chapter 7, Episode 101:

So the DiaRamshackle squad landed in Ignihyde, where they meet the completely aware Idia. They had thought they got out of a dream into the "real world", but it turns out they're just outside of Lilia's dream but still within Malleus' magical domain expansion-- which is Idia's "dream" now. Proof of this is because Sebek's still wearing his armor.

At this point in time, apparently they haven't really conversed with Idia yet. Sebek barely remembers that Idia's the Ignihyde housewarden LOL.

Sebek: "... That's right! I knew I've seen that face before. You're Ignihyde's housewarden! Back at the entrance ceremony, you attended in some sort of board-like thing. This might be the first time I've seen you in proper form."

Sebek: "I am from Diasomnia, First Year, Class D, Seat 33, Sebek Zigvolt!!" WHY IS HE SO ENTHUSIASTIC LMAO

Sebek: "This dopey man right here is Silver. Second Year, from the same dormitory!!" (DOPEY DSJKNDAS HE'S BASICALLY SAYING HE LOOKS HIGH LMAO)

Idia: "Are Malleus and co.'s ears still fine from being blasted by this boombox everyday at close-range..."

Silver: "Everyone, on alert! Idia-senpai, Grim, prefect, get behind me and Sebek!"

AND SO SUDDENLY THEY'RE GETTING ATTACKED??

Idia: "Wuh?! What's this all of a sudden?! Ow, ow! I'm getting crushed between hard muscles and hard armor!"

IDIA????? IS THIS THE RIGHT TIME AND PLACE TO BE COMMENTING ON MUSCLES OMFG LMAO

So the "darkness" have come for Idia because they sensed that someone needs to be lulled back to sleep lol.

Grim: "Malleus might pop up again to say "You're awake?"..!"

Sebek: "The "darkness" are fine, though I do not know if we can win against Lord Malleus without Sir Lilia..."

"No, we are ready!"

Sebek: "Whether it be the darkness, or Lord Malleus... We will definitely strike back!!!"

Idia: "Uogh... Wai-- too close... Can't... breathe..!"

HE'S LITERALLY SHAKING BACK AND FORTH HELP

AND THEN SUDDENLY SOMEONE SPEAKS!

???: "About Malleus and the dark shadows... You don't need to worry about them for a while. I think he's spending considerable "resources" trying to get Lilia Vanrouge back to sleep."

Ortho: "Hehe, sorry for making you worry."

Apparently, Ortho's appearing in monitor mode for now because trying to appear as his usual form in Idia's dreams causes some serious errors.

Ortho: "Anyway... Everyone, brother's face is already turning blue from asphyxiation. Can you let him go now?"

So the two let go of him and Idia let's in a HUGE GASP FOR AIR

Idia: "ohh I almost descended to the underworld... Tha-thanks for the save, Ortho..."

So anyway, Sebek starts questioning the two what they mean by Malleus using up resources to put Lilia to sleep. Ortho starts the explanation by recounting events. That during Lilia's farewell party, Malleus put everyone to sleep-- no, froze time and space itself. But Ortho in particular managed to escape from the island through communications satellite. Everyone was shocked because Ortho could do something like that?! Ortho just laughs and says his "peculiarity" was helpful, because while he's not a mage and therefore cannot have a unique magic, he can transmit his "soul" through radio waves.

Sebek: "Loathe as I am to admit... but human advancement in machinery is amazing."

Silver chimes in and praises that Ortho's uniqueness is something they can never attain no matter how hard they train. Ortho moves on, explaining that he went to STYX headquarters and there, they hatched the plan for Ortho to infiltrate Sage Island in order to analyze Malleus' unique magic, Fae of Maleficence.

[forcedhesitation]

*wheeze* slowly, but surely, working on art of them all

[mothpdf]

crying on the public transport

[suddencolds]

~

[todayisafridaynight]

I hope this isn't weird but earlier I was thinking about how much good artists do in the world, and so many artists don't recognize it. You bring a lot of joy to a lot of people. I've gotten a few commissions from you at this point, and every time I look at them I get so happy because, man, there was someone who took time to create something for me (I know I payed, but still!) Beyond that, I have seen when you draw little doodles just because people inspire you to eith their asks. You practiced your skill and you use it to make others happy and that's so valuable. You contribute a lot to this world just by bringing people's moods up, and I hope you recognize that. You're pretty awesome :)

t thank yuou ,....

[nerdyfangirlingbooks]

Every now and then I remember the times I would mention to my flatmate that I was thinking of buying myself something reasonably expensive (that I had been eyeing up for months and had budgeted for) and she'd tell me that I shouldn't spend that much money on something I didn't need and it would be stupid etc etc while she regularly impulse bought things that cost at least as much and she would use once (while complaining that she was under a lot of financial stress and couldn't afford <$3/week for 2 months for a rental washing machine when ours broke). She is... perhaps not my first call for financial advice

[cimeriansparrow]

My mom got mad at me this morning bc "I never talk to her," but every time we try to really talk, it turns into a massive fight (guess what happened 15 minutes ago)

I can't even ask questions without them eventually leading down a road where she keeps cutting me off and begins to yell at me. Obviously I'm taking a tone with you. Not only am I literally just speaking to you in the way that you speak to me, but being spoken down to for 22 years really teaches you that it doesn't matter How I speak to you, you won't ever Listen. Idk. I'm tired of living in a house where I can't even try to talk to my parents about the smaller stressors that I have.

Tried to bring up what's been going on the past few months bc she accused me of being depressed and lazy and. Yeah. I was depressed for 3 months. Thank you So much for noticing. It really speaks volumes to me that you didn't say anything about it while I was going through it?? I tried explaining that a new medication (that she knew I was taking!!! I told her when I switched to it!) Was causing me immense brain fog and seriously scary suicidal ideations that I did nearly act on.

And she got pissed and started yelling bc I never talk to her, and when I asked her to stop yelling she told me that she's gonna yell because she shouldn't be made to feel like this in her own house. She just went through a massive surgery and she's had to walk on eggshells around us when we should have been taking care of her (which we did. And it fucking tears me apart that she doesn't realize how much of my own life I've given up already to make sure she's been taken care of) and she's done with tiptoeing around all of us and she just kept going and going and going and going and going because she doesn't actually ever know when to fucking stop.

No shit we don't talk. Every single time I try to talk with you it ends up like this. With me trying to calm down after stepping away after you've accused me of some wild shit and when I come back to try to talk normally you're still yelling. In fact, you're more incensed than before.

For some reason she thinks adhd medication will fix everything. Like it's some sort of cure all and I don't have a decent handle on it. And every time I bring up that I've done some research and I feel like I might be on the autism spectrum she tells me that's stupid and people are making a trend of it and that's why I feel that way and I shouldn't think that because none of us (myself and two younger sisters) are autistic.

If none of this makes any sense to anyone reading, know that that's how Every Single conversation with her goes. If she's not in a good mood she's going to bring you down to her level of emotion. She will make it about her through the stupidest methods possible, and after being emotionally manipulated like that my entire life it's hard to see exactly what's going on because she comes at you so fast.

[newwave-lesbian]

oh things suck?? oh yeah why don't i continue on with the same routine even though it is doing me no good and draining my money and keeping me stuck in the same place forever. yeah that's nice

[imwritesometimes]

sometimes I just wanna throw my hands up and scream like. this is simple stuff ppl. the simplest. it is the most mundane, pedestrian of tasks. you do not need to over complicate it. I do not need to be this involved. you are a fully functioning adult. make some choices and go with it. that's what everyone does every fuckin day. we're all picking out shit at the store and going abt a day this does not need to be this complicated.

[cuntwrap--supreme]

The fucking audacity of this man to tell me he's never cared about me, then ignore me when I say that it was unfair to lie to me when I've clearly been in love with him for years, only to come back almost 2 months later asking me how work is. I can't do this shit. I'm too stressed as is. Too few spoons for my own day to day.

[britneyshakespeare]

well i didn’t get my paycheck in the mail but i did get a referral notice from my doctor saying that i can expect to see an endocrinologist... in SIX. FUCKING. MONTHS.

[just-some-guy-joust]

@ the anon who asked about if a specific fish has been submitted, yes! it has! i will not name it publicly tho since i don't want people to Not submit specific fish just because one or two other people already have! assuming you are not the person who has submitted the creature you asked about, if you really want to be sure they'll get in then ! go nominate them!

[naivety]

this is why i'm a deadcoded samgirl